Heather's Embodimental Therapy

This week I started losing again after being in a stall for a number of weeks – as of this morning I’m at 154, which is 103.2 pounds down from my highest weight and 91 pounds since surgery on 3/10/2011!

It is hard to convey with words the huge amount of change that 2011 has brought for me – but I’ll have a go!

First, the non-weight loss changes. In February I realized a long term dream by buying a wonderful condo in San Francisco. For many years, I thought that buying a place would be forever out of reach – but I focused in on saving for 5 years, wiped out all debt and figured out what my budget / must haves were.  I’m so happy with my new home, I feel like I really found a place that can work for me for many years!

Secondly, I got a new job this year (just in the nick of time before 2011 ended!). I got promoted to a Project Director position that will allow me to do much more of what I love – strategic planning and execution.  I’m so excited that the planets aligned for me to get this great opportunity and get to stay within my current department/team at BSC.

Finally, the weight loss. What an amazing, interesting, and sometimes surreal trip it has been!  At first, even though the pounds were melting off quickly most people at work didn’t say anything… then I started to get questions like “Did you change your hair?” or “Something’s different”. And then, people started to ask “Wow, what are you doing?!”

I made the decision early on to proactively tell my close friends at the office, and then to answer briefly and honestly to anyone who asked me how I was achieving my weightloss. My stock answer is something like: “After trying everything under my control, I decided I needed some help on this – and I had weight loss surgery in March.”  I’m really glad that I made that decision and didn’t try to keep this information controlled – it would have been way too much work keeping track of who knew and didn’t!  Everyone’s mileage varies, but for me this was definitely the right call for me

In the past few months, even though my weight loss has slowed down, each pound lost is so much more visibly noticeable. I’m now very consistently a size 10 (highest was 20 or even 22 sometimes), and sometimes a 10 is too roomy.  I’m 14 pounds away from my goal weight of 140, and I’m feeling very confident that I will achieve that goal! It’s interesting to look ahead and wonder what “my number” will end up being, since I’ve been overweight since childhood… we’ll see where my body settles in!

I’ve been having a great time shopping, buying and wearing new clothes – and also donating lots of clothes when they get too big! It has also been hilarious when good friends (or even family) have accidentally passed me by because they don’t recognize me at first.

Recently, I was looking through some family photos from before my surgery, and it really was shocking to me how big I looked – I never felt like I looked that big, I think it was a self-defense delusion! Now, I think that I can’t quite see myself as I really look – I see myself in photos and think “Whoa – I look so little!” I have been joking that my self-image is on a rolling 4 month average, so I’m seeing myself about 2 months ago…

I’ve been having fun with some of the firsts – my chiropractor moving me around like a feather on the table to do adjustments, accepting a middle seat to get on an earlier flight and not worrying about the squash factor, being able to go shopping at any shop and find clothes that fit – and walk away from them if I don’t absolutely love them.  Sitting on laps without worrying about crushing my friends’ legs…

Most importantly, I feel so much more relaxed when meeting new people or when out and about in public… I no longer feel worried that people are forming a bad first impression of me just because of how I look. I never realized before how much armor I had against that fear – now, if someone makes eye contact on the bus / BART I don’t read anything into it. It feels like a “reset” to neutral, and it has freed up so much energy I never even knew that I was spending.

Well, that’s it for me tonight – I’m so busy with work through the end of the year!

Thanks for reading,

Heather

I just realized today that I have now left behind the “obese” BMI category – it is so amazing to now just be “overweight.”

Obese is such a charged word in our culture. I felt so much shame attached to being obese. For me, that word conjured up connotations of laziness, gluttony, slovenliness, unattractiveness, and more. At my highest, my BMI was 44.1 – morbidly obese. I was lucky – even though I was morbidly obese, I was still healthy (though starting to get joint pain) and had a “pretty face”. I didn’t suffer through the limited mobility, severe health issues and mental anguish that so many of my fellow VSGers did live through before joining the losers bench. I am fortunate enough to have a great education and a successful career, so I could afford to buy nice clothes and look well put-together… but I was still OBESE, and it felt like a millstone around my neck.

It is amazing now to start feeling “normal”. I can shop at regular-size stores with no problems, not always having to take the biggest sizes that they carry and hope for the best. I sit next to “normal” looking people on the bus or train and notice that I am about the same size as they are (which still throws my brain for a jelly wobble, honestly!).

Yes, I’m still heavier than I should be for my health – and I am still losing and focusing on getting to (or perhaps below) my goal weight of 140. Since I’ve never been anywhere near a normal BMI since childhood, I really don’t know what final weight will be my healthy/happy/maintainable weight. Could it be even lower than 140? A year ago that would have sounded like crazy talk – now it seems like a totally reasonable question to ask!

Thanks again to all of the posters on Obesity Help for the inspiration before, during and after my surgery. Thanks to the veterans who keep posting and showing me that maintaining a healthy weight is a REALITY for you. Not that it is easy, but that it is achievable!

The next time someone tells me that I’m looking great, I will smile and think to myself “Yes – because now I’m just OVERWEIGHT!”

Thanks for reading

Heather

Just got back on Tuesday afternoon from Burningman (www.burningman.com if you aren’t familiar!) and it was such an amazing event.  There were 18 people in my camp – DustHaven – this year, and we built an amazing space that turned out to be a very popular place to escape the heat, dust, and noise of the playa.  We created an “enchanted forest” in the desert, including soft artificial grass to nap on and a 30 foot tower to guide us home at night!

It was interesting to be at Burningman much thinner than ever before (I just weighed in this morning at 172.4 – that’s 72.6 pounds down from surgery, and nearly 85 pounds down from my heaviest!).  For me, a lot of the fun of Burningman is about costuming, and I was able to wear costumes I wouldn’t have before (and feel comfortable).  I promise to post pictures soon!

One of my biggest triumph moments was a few weeks ago – I went to a garage sale of someone selling her Burningman costumes. I looked at her and saw a “normal” sized girl with an hourglass shape… and therefore assumed nothing would fit me.

However, when I held clothes up against my body – they seemed to be the right size.  I bought a couple of costumes figuring they were so cheap ($5 for the lot, I think!) that it wouldn’t matter if they didnt’ fit… but when I got them home, I found that they actually fit wonderfully.  If anything, one of the skirts was a bit big!!

My brain is still catching up with the changes in my body – I still occasionally catch sight of myself in the mirror or in  a photo and do a double-take.  I definitely notice myself receiving more male attention and interest out in the world; I’m learning to recognize it and appreciate it

In other news, I now have no jeans that fit properly – need to pick up some inexpensive ones this weekend… I’ll report in on sizing!

Thanks for reading,

Heather

This morning, I weighed in at exactly 185 – down 60 pounds from surgery on 3/10! That’s 72.2 down from my highest of 257.2!

It is really an amazing feeling, and it is not all about the weight loss… I make healthier choices across the board, choosing to take care of myself. I focus on getting enough protein, plan and think ahead for meals, and make sure I am drinking enough water.

I think that taking that bold, ‘I have tried everything else and it hasn’t worked’ and IRREVERSIBLE step of having surgery has helped change some of my subconscious self perception.

When I looked in the mirror at my heaviest, there was an under-thought there: “I am someone who doesn’t know how to take care of myself”. Even when I was engaging in a healthier set of behaviors, my inner gremlin-voice wasn’t convinced… “this is temporary” it whispered.

After deciding to have surgery – and now reinforced each day as I watch myself become lighter and healthier – the subconscious thought is “I will do whatever I have to to take good care of myself.”

Thanks for reading!
Heather

I’m laughing a bit at myself, because my last post was a month ago, and I thought “I’ve ONLY lost 9 pounds since then!”
It’s all relative, right? Before my surgery, I would be totally happy to lose 1-2 pounds in a week – or just to hold steady if I wasn’t dieting.

I’ve noticed that it’s definitely not a “straight line” process of loss – I’ll drop quite a bit and then stall out for a few days. Based on that pattern, I am due for a nice drop within the next week – we’ll see if it holds true!

Also – I’ve crossed the halfway mark between my presurgery weight of 245 and my goal of 140 (losing 105).  I’m at 54.8 pounds lost since surgery – and 67 pounds lost from my highest!!

Down to 199.2 and into One-derland…  I am so excited!

I had a great time out with friends last night for a Monte Carlo fundraiser. Lots of laughs, maybe that helped burn off calories

Today I’m enjoying a random vacation day. Went for my first bike ride in a couple of years – it was great to be back in the saddle again. I’m looking forward to getting my conditioning back and being able to take on some of the nice hills around here!

Thanks for reading,

Heather

Wow, this morning I stepped on the scale and weighed in at exactly 200.0.  How exciting and fun to get a day or two to stand on this threshold between two very different experiences.  It has been at least 10 years since I’ve been under 200. In 2007 I got down to 202.6  doing Weight Watchers (started at 240) and then crept back up all the way to 257 at my highest.

200 is such a huge psychological dividing line for me – it really feels like “undiscovered territory” down in the 100s!  I’m looking forward to putting on my khakis and pith helmet and seeing what I find on th other side

Today, I celebrate 57 pounds released from my highest weight. 45 pounds released from my pre-surgery weight.

And, more importantly, a huge amount of stress and fear released. The last time I was close to 200 pounds I truly didn’t believe that I would be able to maintain that weight. I feared / knew that I would gain it back.  Now, I know and believe at the core of my being that this weight is gone forever. A few short months from now, I will look back at this 200 pound mark and see it receding into the dust – a landmark that I have driven by a few times but will never see again.

In NSV news (non-scale victory) I just stopped in at BCBG Max Azria Outlet on my way home from  an offsite meeting yesterday – and picked up three great new pieces.  A gorgeous black and white kimono-esque dress I’ll wear to a fundraiser tonight, a beautiful blue tunic, and a cool geometric print dress I’m wearing as I type this. 

Yippee for being able to shop at regular stores!

Thanks for reading,

Heather

Well, I haven’t been very good at keeping up this blog!  I have been so busy with work and life these days.

Things continue to go really well for me health-wise.  I have started working out again in earnest – training for a September 24th sprint-length triathlon!  See Jane Tri is a great event in Pleasanton, CA – very friendly, mostly women (although my dad did it a couple years back… go Dad!), and it is totally fine to walk the “run” portion.  I highly recommend it to anyone interested in pushing themselves a bit!

My weight loss continues, I am down to 201.4 now – can’t believe I am so close to getting into wonderful “One-derland”! It is really exciting, I haven’t been there for at least 10 years.  I’ve lost a total of 43.6 pounds since surgery, and 55.6 from my highest. Whoo!

In other great news, I am starting to be able to shop in “normal” stores like H&M. It was so exciting to try on size Large and have things fit – looking forward to leaving the special plus size stores behind me forever.  Even though the fashions have improved somewhat over the past few years, it is shocking to me how little choice there is for fashionable 20- or 30-somethings.  So exciting to leave that challenge behind me!

Here’s my latest youtube blog (I fell off of that wagon for a while too!).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2l-Tsm-Jesw&feature=digest

Thanks for reading!

Heather

Yesterday, I FINALLY broke a six day stall – it is so frustrating to see the scale show the same number each morning, despite following my program so closely!  However, I do feel like I was continuing to lose inches and get smaller even during the stall.

As of this morning, I’m at 220.2 – just 0.2 pounds shy of 25 pounds lost!  I’m so excited to get back into the “Two-teens”, it has been at least 3 years.  And then, the big milestone – getting under 200 and into “One-derland”.  I honestly think that it’s been at least 10 years since I was there!

Still trying to take it a day at a time. Yesterday didn’t go too well with my eating – had one or two bites too many of crab at lunch, and then my stomach felt off the rest of the day. I had a little cookie tossing after dinner, but then felt fine afterwards.

Today, I’m keeping it very simple – cottage cheese, protein shakes, and string cheese. Just babying my little pouch for a day to let it reset.

Thanks for reading!